Are all Scientologists in the closet?

Is Scientology just a secret society for in-the-closet actors? I have vague memories of John Travolta man-love rumors, but luckily for him, everyone is so busy trying to get Tom Cruise out of the closet that no one really pays attention to J-Trav. I've got it: Scientology helps rich and famous men stay in the closet by assisting them in the kidnapping, brainwashing, and controlling of the wife of their choice. Then they die and travel to the 57th planet which is filled with 50 million naked clones of Freddy Prince Junior. Their "bible" is really short, see.

In other crazy cult news, Kate might actually escape!! It's about time. God, I love tabloids.

Yes, I see Nicole's bump there. Her pregnancy rumors are so boring I can barely keep my eyes open while writing this. Wouldn't you rather talk about crazy killer cults?

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